by Sycamore Smith

I caught a spot of rabies last Fall
While I was roaming through the South--
It was raining cats & dogs and every cat and dog
was foaming at the mouth...
I met a wild-eyed spinster on the back of a bus
She asked if there was any part of her I'd like to touch
When I told her "Yer nuts!" she got mad at me
And lectured on female anatomy...
I got a tight white sailor's suit on
I got some beeswax with you on the futon
If you got the time, honey, I got the moolah
I'm not Mr Right, but I am Mr Two Wrongs...
Cardinals with fuchsia feathers
Grip their flies and flap together
Here comes a bird with a ball on a tether
Followed by another and another and another
And the rest of this adventure is CENSORED
Flanagan went a full year without bathing
And he reeked like a Hell-born beast
He used to slick his hair back every day
With a bear claw and elbow grease
So I told him "You'll be showered with candy and treats
If you can knock a pinata off the branch of a tree"
But what I showed him was not a pinata, no,
'Twas a beehive, actually...
Thus he was chased by the bees
They followed him down to the creek
He jumped in the water--
The upshot's he got his
First bath in fifty-two weeks
If yer a wealthy old codger then y'better not lodge here
At the Amputated Arms Hotel, pop--
The man behind the counter, though a brute & a bounder
Is a milk-sop next to the bell-hop
Who'd rather turn you inside oot & backwards
Than pamper you, you highfalutin bastard--
Ask him for a hand with your bag
And you are gonna catch a boot in yer sack, sir!