by Sycamore Smith
Venus must have drifted just a
Bit too far from shore--
She sunk her little oyster ship
And skinny dipped
On down to the ocean floor

True love ain't for you, love
And if marriage is an institution
Mine'll have walls with cushions
So how's about an old fashioned handhabung
Here on the futon?
Archibald Assholebroke pulled off
Many high-profile antics
Like the time he walked outta the truck stop latrine
With a machine that was essential
To our dating scene

Archie kept it starchy
For he wore 35 at a time
And when his chippy stopped her heavy breathing
Archibald could never unwind
Cuz he was busy unsheathing...
Maybelle shook her sleighbell
Betwixt Jack Frost and a frozen hay bale
Mr Frost got his iceberg tossed
And then he told Miss May
That she was free to get lost

Feeling quite cantankerous
Maybelle dropped him in an
Ice cream maker, thus
Proving what they say about scorning a lady--
And now Jack Frost is a snowball in Hades
True love ain't for you, love
Oh, boo-hoo love, it's so gruesome
But you can't do nuthin'
So you best do someone
Whom true love ain't for, too
Because true love ain't for you